September 14, 2006 | 09:36 PM
London
Back in London now, to do the post on Golden Age, and found it just tooooo depressing to leave India..
For Mumbai kept me far far more alive than London could ever do. When u are constantly confronted with mortality and contradictions, you are forced to live life on the edge. What better way to look at life but that there are no tommorows ? Here in London there is a an ease of living. an addiction to security, a secure tommorow, a secure future - that is almost cloying. London now feels emotionally like a ghost town,
Guess I am just reacting to withdrawl symptoms from the drug that is India. The turmoil that is India. The contradiction that is India. The creativity that is India. The excitement that is India. The energy that is India. The exploration that is India.
shekhar
Showing posts with label About Myself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label About Myself. Show all posts
Friday, February 16, 2007
failure
September 06, 2006 | 07:59 PM
failure
Recently I had a really upset fan write to me, who reacted adversely to a TV interview of mine on National TV. Where I said that I was far more comfortable with failure than I ever will be with success. He thought I was looking down upon those that are working hard and striving to succeed.
But that is the truth. All my creativity has come to me at times when the world ignores me. It gives me the space to get in touch with myself. Of the hundreds of people that ask my advice on their future in this bussiness, I say don't know. But I do say that today I live on the ideas and thoughts that i battled with when I walked the streets of failure. I still do.
Imagine a an arrow. The further back you stretch the bow, the more focussed your arrow will be. That tautness, that tension you create by pulling the string of the bow back, is the tautness of failure.
The air on the top of a mountain is too rarified. You have to come down to street level to breathe in the oxygen.
shekhar
failure
Recently I had a really upset fan write to me, who reacted adversely to a TV interview of mine on National TV. Where I said that I was far more comfortable with failure than I ever will be with success. He thought I was looking down upon those that are working hard and striving to succeed.
But that is the truth. All my creativity has come to me at times when the world ignores me. It gives me the space to get in touch with myself. Of the hundreds of people that ask my advice on their future in this bussiness, I say don't know. But I do say that today I live on the ideas and thoughts that i battled with when I walked the streets of failure. I still do.
Imagine a an arrow. The further back you stretch the bow, the more focussed your arrow will be. That tautness, that tension you create by pulling the string of the bow back, is the tautness of failure.
The air on the top of a mountain is too rarified. You have to come down to street level to breathe in the oxygen.
shekhar
Juhu, that once was..
December 17, 2005 | 04:39 AM
Juhu, that once was..
Every Sunday of free drinks and open house at Kabir and Protima's Bedi's house. Little babies called Pooja and Siddharth. Running around in diapers. Mahesh Bhatt preaching Godhead and Nirvana. Parvin Babi sitting in a corner smiling benignly, smoking whatever anyone smoked those days
Big huge brother Vick, more Sai Baba than Sai Baba himself. Now teaching film in NY. Parikshit Sahini on the cusp of stardom. Like the rest of us.
Kunki (ketan) Anand just a packet of energy bouncing off all the walls absolutely refusing to treat anything too seriously. Cracking jokes that had everyone laughing.
And who else ? Occasionally Smita Patil. . The whole advertising crowd from the other side of town. The models not so conscious of themselves as they are now. It was not a real profession them. Just something you did.
Like everything else in those days in Juhu. It was just something you did.
Like swimming in the clear sea. Like trying to hitch a ride on Adi Godrej's speedboat. Or just lazing on the beach. No one really except the local fishermen, who were our suppliers for fresh fish or the local brew. The old Narial Wala. One narial for 2 rupees.
The Crazy Juhu Crowd. That was us. Wandering straight from the sea thru the palm trees and into the village. Yes that was Juhu not so long ago. Sea and Palm trees. All the models (and the super star of the day - Parveen Babi) in their bikinis and us guys in swimming trunks wandering through Juhu Village right up to the Church. But not an eyebrow raised. Well, not many eyebrows around at that time either.
But that was long before Protima's body was found buried deep in the mud on her way to Kailash Parbat. Still mourning for Siddharth. That was long before Parveen's body was found in her flat in Juhu days after her spirit had long abandoned her. But not long before Smita Patil gave her life giving birth to another.
But that was before all the trees died, and the sea died and the air turned putrid. That was before Juhu was raped by builders that ensured that there were swathes of land that they walled in for themselves, but threw everyone else into relentless and teeming filth.
That was all before the Spirit of Juhu had long since fled.
I do hope our children and our grandchildren find another paradise that was Juhu.
Juhu was something then, something you just did. It was where the soul found peace. It was where friend found friend. It was where all competitiveness disappeared and sharing took over. Before it was all lost to madness called development.
Shekhar
Juhu, that once was..
Every Sunday of free drinks and open house at Kabir and Protima's Bedi's house. Little babies called Pooja and Siddharth. Running around in diapers. Mahesh Bhatt preaching Godhead and Nirvana. Parvin Babi sitting in a corner smiling benignly, smoking whatever anyone smoked those days
Big huge brother Vick, more Sai Baba than Sai Baba himself. Now teaching film in NY. Parikshit Sahini on the cusp of stardom. Like the rest of us.
Kunki (ketan) Anand just a packet of energy bouncing off all the walls absolutely refusing to treat anything too seriously. Cracking jokes that had everyone laughing.
And who else ? Occasionally Smita Patil. . The whole advertising crowd from the other side of town. The models not so conscious of themselves as they are now. It was not a real profession them. Just something you did.
Like everything else in those days in Juhu. It was just something you did.
Like swimming in the clear sea. Like trying to hitch a ride on Adi Godrej's speedboat. Or just lazing on the beach. No one really except the local fishermen, who were our suppliers for fresh fish or the local brew. The old Narial Wala. One narial for 2 rupees.
The Crazy Juhu Crowd. That was us. Wandering straight from the sea thru the palm trees and into the village. Yes that was Juhu not so long ago. Sea and Palm trees. All the models (and the super star of the day - Parveen Babi) in their bikinis and us guys in swimming trunks wandering through Juhu Village right up to the Church. But not an eyebrow raised. Well, not many eyebrows around at that time either.
But that was long before Protima's body was found buried deep in the mud on her way to Kailash Parbat. Still mourning for Siddharth. That was long before Parveen's body was found in her flat in Juhu days after her spirit had long abandoned her. But not long before Smita Patil gave her life giving birth to another.
But that was before all the trees died, and the sea died and the air turned putrid. That was before Juhu was raped by builders that ensured that there were swathes of land that they walled in for themselves, but threw everyone else into relentless and teeming filth.
That was all before the Spirit of Juhu had long since fled.
I do hope our children and our grandchildren find another paradise that was Juhu.
Juhu was something then, something you just did. It was where the soul found peace. It was where friend found friend. It was where all competitiveness disappeared and sharing took over. Before it was all lost to madness called development.
Shekhar
So did we say a prayer today ?
November 28, 2005 | 08:06 PM
So did we say a prayer today ?
For who ? For ourselves. Did we do something, some ritual that affirmed our faith today ? In what ? In ourselves. Our ability to connect with our inner selves. For if we do not, who is this person that is working, loving, talking etc. It's certainly not you.
It's an everyday search for me. For that something that can put me in touch with myself. My connection to consciousness. My connection to loving nature.
Of course many people have faith. Which is a wonderful ability. I don't have blind faith. I am more of a searcher. Questioner. Good, bad ? I don't know. No value judgements on any faith or the question of faith. Or on myself.
Some people do it with meditation first thing in the morning. I have never been able to do that. I have to connect to something, however small, however little, to loose my sense of individuality. That's the daily struggle. Against my own exaggarated sense of myself. I am so used to it. I have relied on it for so many years. So tough to let go now. Not that I have never questioned it before. But now, it is really important for me to be truly 'active' rather than 'reactive', which is what I have done most of my life. And how do I know what that 'true' action is ? Unless I am constantly in touch with something larger, more immense, more universal than myself ?
Yes I know. By letting go. By allowing yourself not to be addicted to the result of your action. By allowing chaos to invade your life. Yes, I agree. All of that. I do allow chaos to prevade in my life. I am impeteous (spelling). But then the individual in me fights back hard.
It's an everyday battle. This battle to let go of one's addiction to one's sense of individuality.
Yet, the smallest of things can provoke the sensing of my flowing into something much much larger. Something infinite.
This morning it was my 5 year old daughter waking me up with a loud 'Peekaboo' and the tinkling of an early morning laugh.
Sometimes it;s just getting up early enough to watch the first shades of dark blue brush across the sky. Something deeply stirring about that.
Sometimes it's unexpected gestures of affection that were not sought. Or given so instinctually that you were not aware of them.
Sometimes, it's writing a poem. But only if the words are coming from somewhere else. As if something is flowing through you, a river of emotion you can physically feel that flows through your being.
But it is always so unexpected. So much that I am constantly aware now. My senses hightened. Waiting for that unexpected moment.
When something deeper will reach out and engulf me, and give my life, and all my actions, however small, a deeper and all encompassing context. On a daily basis.
So say a prayer for me. And for yourself.
Shekhar
So did we say a prayer today ?
For who ? For ourselves. Did we do something, some ritual that affirmed our faith today ? In what ? In ourselves. Our ability to connect with our inner selves. For if we do not, who is this person that is working, loving, talking etc. It's certainly not you.
It's an everyday search for me. For that something that can put me in touch with myself. My connection to consciousness. My connection to loving nature.
Of course many people have faith. Which is a wonderful ability. I don't have blind faith. I am more of a searcher. Questioner. Good, bad ? I don't know. No value judgements on any faith or the question of faith. Or on myself.
Some people do it with meditation first thing in the morning. I have never been able to do that. I have to connect to something, however small, however little, to loose my sense of individuality. That's the daily struggle. Against my own exaggarated sense of myself. I am so used to it. I have relied on it for so many years. So tough to let go now. Not that I have never questioned it before. But now, it is really important for me to be truly 'active' rather than 'reactive', which is what I have done most of my life. And how do I know what that 'true' action is ? Unless I am constantly in touch with something larger, more immense, more universal than myself ?
Yes I know. By letting go. By allowing yourself not to be addicted to the result of your action. By allowing chaos to invade your life. Yes, I agree. All of that. I do allow chaos to prevade in my life. I am impeteous (spelling). But then the individual in me fights back hard.
It's an everyday battle. This battle to let go of one's addiction to one's sense of individuality.
Yet, the smallest of things can provoke the sensing of my flowing into something much much larger. Something infinite.
This morning it was my 5 year old daughter waking me up with a loud 'Peekaboo' and the tinkling of an early morning laugh.
Sometimes it;s just getting up early enough to watch the first shades of dark blue brush across the sky. Something deeply stirring about that.
Sometimes it's unexpected gestures of affection that were not sought. Or given so instinctually that you were not aware of them.
Sometimes, it's writing a poem. But only if the words are coming from somewhere else. As if something is flowing through you, a river of emotion you can physically feel that flows through your being.
But it is always so unexpected. So much that I am constantly aware now. My senses hightened. Waiting for that unexpected moment.
When something deeper will reach out and engulf me, and give my life, and all my actions, however small, a deeper and all encompassing context. On a daily basis.
So say a prayer for me. And for yourself.
Shekhar
Am I Male or Female ?
November 25, 2005 | 12:01 AM
Am I Male or Female ?
I am both. Male and female. Without my female self I am neither creative nor spiritual. Without my male self I am neither enterprising, nor active. I am not both man and woman. I am a man. But finally,I am now both male and female.
And finding the balance was tough. To balance the nurturing nature with the aggressive go-getting nature. Men too often ignore their female selves. Part of that, I am absolutely sure, is our educational system and social conditioning.
As a young Punjabi male I grew up 'knowing' that I must be the Decision Maker. The Provider. The Career Junkie. The social conditioning and peer pressure around me made me made me carry the burden of the sexual predator. The seducer. This did not end in India. As I went to London as a young student, the same attitudes prevailed.
I was never comfortable. I found bieng completely male a huge burden to carry. So I left bieng the Career Junkie, the accountant, the management consultant on his way to the top of the corporate ladder. I now realize I went in search for my female self. That was the first step in my quest to find myslef. A journey that continues to this date.
It took a long time. It was not till I made a film called "The Bandit Queen', that I truly discovered my female self. For those that have seen it, will know what I mean immedietly. This was a film about a low caste woman that was repeatedly raped, and finally turned into a bandit that went back to wreak revenge.
Someone once asked me what I learnt from that film. I said I am now willing to stand in the middle of the street and shout aloud "I am weak". And you have no idea how inherrently strong that makes me. The contradiction. Strength through an acceptance of weakness.
Like suddenly turning into Water, when all your life you were stone.
To watch myself moving now seamlessly from male to female and back is such a fascinating observation. From bieng the 'general' on the sets when I am filming, back to being a gentle soul reduced to fits of crying. It's amazing. From almost tyranical decisiveness, obstinate and egoistic. To almost a total absence of authority, of indecisiveness where the moment is allowed to completely dominate me. I find the process fascinating and provocative. And creative.
So often I was asked whether Bandit Queen was a 'feminist' film and I always said no, it was a ''humanist' film. It embraced both the feminist and masculinist in the same character. As in all characters. Even in Elizabeth.
I am not saying that women are weak, while men inherrently agressive and strong in nature. I am saying that all women and men exhibit male and female natures. As they must do to find harmony.
In one of my unsuccesful films (Four Feathers) I did try and explore the nature of true courage. True courage was not the ability to die. It was the ability to live. True courage is more female than male, for true courage is Wisdom. And Wisdom is the strength to give and nurture, not to take and destroy.
Shekhar
Am I Male or Female ?
I am both. Male and female. Without my female self I am neither creative nor spiritual. Without my male self I am neither enterprising, nor active. I am not both man and woman. I am a man. But finally,I am now both male and female.
And finding the balance was tough. To balance the nurturing nature with the aggressive go-getting nature. Men too often ignore their female selves. Part of that, I am absolutely sure, is our educational system and social conditioning.
As a young Punjabi male I grew up 'knowing' that I must be the Decision Maker. The Provider. The Career Junkie. The social conditioning and peer pressure around me made me made me carry the burden of the sexual predator. The seducer. This did not end in India. As I went to London as a young student, the same attitudes prevailed.
I was never comfortable. I found bieng completely male a huge burden to carry. So I left bieng the Career Junkie, the accountant, the management consultant on his way to the top of the corporate ladder. I now realize I went in search for my female self. That was the first step in my quest to find myslef. A journey that continues to this date.
It took a long time. It was not till I made a film called "The Bandit Queen', that I truly discovered my female self. For those that have seen it, will know what I mean immedietly. This was a film about a low caste woman that was repeatedly raped, and finally turned into a bandit that went back to wreak revenge.
Someone once asked me what I learnt from that film. I said I am now willing to stand in the middle of the street and shout aloud "I am weak". And you have no idea how inherrently strong that makes me. The contradiction. Strength through an acceptance of weakness.
Like suddenly turning into Water, when all your life you were stone.
To watch myself moving now seamlessly from male to female and back is such a fascinating observation. From bieng the 'general' on the sets when I am filming, back to being a gentle soul reduced to fits of crying. It's amazing. From almost tyranical decisiveness, obstinate and egoistic. To almost a total absence of authority, of indecisiveness where the moment is allowed to completely dominate me. I find the process fascinating and provocative. And creative.
So often I was asked whether Bandit Queen was a 'feminist' film and I always said no, it was a ''humanist' film. It embraced both the feminist and masculinist in the same character. As in all characters. Even in Elizabeth.
I am not saying that women are weak, while men inherrently agressive and strong in nature. I am saying that all women and men exhibit male and female natures. As they must do to find harmony.
In one of my unsuccesful films (Four Feathers) I did try and explore the nature of true courage. True courage was not the ability to die. It was the ability to live. True courage is more female than male, for true courage is Wisdom. And Wisdom is the strength to give and nurture, not to take and destroy.
Shekhar
About Myself
November 18, 2005 | 01:32 AM
About Myself
At 22, was an accountant in London long before I dreamt of bieng a film-maker ..
I was successful. But uncomfortable.
I remember strongly feeling the chasm between what I did and who I was. The young man at play (those were the swinging 70's don't forget), and the one at work were two completely different people. With almost a schizophrenic relationship with each other.
So I left accounting in search for a way to overcome that duality.
On the way I have been a model, an actor, a chat show host both in India and the UK, a commercials film maker both in India and Europe, and a film director, also in India and internationally. I also ran an entertainment TV channel, and was for a while a scuba diving instructor.
To find a way define every moment of my waking life as one complete whole, rather than one that is structured into different compartments. One complete emotional all encompassing feeling that embodied everything I did,felt and thought. I just wanted to express myself completely in everything that I did.
The journey turned out much much longer than I thought. It continues to this day. Because the duality existed not merely between work and play, but within work and play.
But on the way, I started to understand some things.
That the words 'truth', 'love' and 'compassion' took on different meanings from those boring idealistic interpretations that were rammed down our throats when we were kids.
There was power,I later discovered, in these concepts. The power to hold everything together. Like falling in love, I discovered.
All structures fall apart in the throes of the first passions of love. All duality dissapeared. Everything emcompassed by that one emotion. Bieng in the throes of love, even life and death encompassed by that one emotion.
Whenever I fell deeply in love, I lived the moment completely. That's what I realized it was all about. I felt a surge of courage I had not felt before. With that courage came such incredible fullfilment of that moment, thatI did not fear the next. Death too, at that time became acceptable. My 'cup of love' as they say, would be full.
But how does on stay in love all the time ? How does one continue this passion all the time ? If the love was derived from one singular person you could wreak havoc on their lives. I have done that before. And my own too. For I had not (atleast not at that time) learnt to 'let go' in love. I had not learnt that the attempt for permanence would utimately kill passion. That love was so much greater when lived in a womb of freedom. That there could no 'ownership' in love.
Thats where I began to understand the concepts of Meera's obsession for Krishna. There was no desire on Meera's part to have a singular relationship with Krishna. Or the Poetry of Rumi and his obsession for his friend. I discovered the difference between Obsession and Ownership. By directing all your passions to an imagined universal force, you could go on deriving from it. Forever. As long as you realized that the obsession for other person was only your conduit to the universe. To yourself.
And then u could continue to exist in that state of creative passion. I began to understand the concept of Prasadam. Where everything you create, you are merely the conduit. Everything you own, is merely an offering that is never complete. At a function in New York where I was awarded the critics award for Best Director, I said from the bottom of my heart :
" I did not direct the film. I am learning not to direct my films. I am learnng that I am merely the gardener. The garden grows. The sun shines. The rains come. The seeds sprout. the flowers bloom. And I watch. Having been the conduit through which the seeds were planted, I merely encompass the garden with love. In return the garden encompasses me with love. And together, we watch in wonder at the creation of the Universe's bounty"
I am learning the power of not imposing. I am learning the power throwing everything to the moment. I understand that is what the concept of Prasadam means.
and gradually, in this path, I try and let the duality, my individuality melt away. Will I suceed ?
Well, isn't that question once again reaffirming my individuality though ? Who is that 'I' that wants to suceed.
Shekhar
About Myself
At 22, was an accountant in London long before I dreamt of bieng a film-maker ..
I was successful. But uncomfortable.
I remember strongly feeling the chasm between what I did and who I was. The young man at play (those were the swinging 70's don't forget), and the one at work were two completely different people. With almost a schizophrenic relationship with each other.
So I left accounting in search for a way to overcome that duality.
On the way I have been a model, an actor, a chat show host both in India and the UK, a commercials film maker both in India and Europe, and a film director, also in India and internationally. I also ran an entertainment TV channel, and was for a while a scuba diving instructor.
To find a way define every moment of my waking life as one complete whole, rather than one that is structured into different compartments. One complete emotional all encompassing feeling that embodied everything I did,felt and thought. I just wanted to express myself completely in everything that I did.
The journey turned out much much longer than I thought. It continues to this day. Because the duality existed not merely between work and play, but within work and play.
But on the way, I started to understand some things.
That the words 'truth', 'love' and 'compassion' took on different meanings from those boring idealistic interpretations that were rammed down our throats when we were kids.
There was power,I later discovered, in these concepts. The power to hold everything together. Like falling in love, I discovered.
All structures fall apart in the throes of the first passions of love. All duality dissapeared. Everything emcompassed by that one emotion. Bieng in the throes of love, even life and death encompassed by that one emotion.
Whenever I fell deeply in love, I lived the moment completely. That's what I realized it was all about. I felt a surge of courage I had not felt before. With that courage came such incredible fullfilment of that moment, thatI did not fear the next. Death too, at that time became acceptable. My 'cup of love' as they say, would be full.
But how does on stay in love all the time ? How does one continue this passion all the time ? If the love was derived from one singular person you could wreak havoc on their lives. I have done that before. And my own too. For I had not (atleast not at that time) learnt to 'let go' in love. I had not learnt that the attempt for permanence would utimately kill passion. That love was so much greater when lived in a womb of freedom. That there could no 'ownership' in love.
Thats where I began to understand the concepts of Meera's obsession for Krishna. There was no desire on Meera's part to have a singular relationship with Krishna. Or the Poetry of Rumi and his obsession for his friend. I discovered the difference between Obsession and Ownership. By directing all your passions to an imagined universal force, you could go on deriving from it. Forever. As long as you realized that the obsession for other person was only your conduit to the universe. To yourself.
And then u could continue to exist in that state of creative passion. I began to understand the concept of Prasadam. Where everything you create, you are merely the conduit. Everything you own, is merely an offering that is never complete. At a function in New York where I was awarded the critics award for Best Director, I said from the bottom of my heart :
" I did not direct the film. I am learning not to direct my films. I am learnng that I am merely the gardener. The garden grows. The sun shines. The rains come. The seeds sprout. the flowers bloom. And I watch. Having been the conduit through which the seeds were planted, I merely encompass the garden with love. In return the garden encompasses me with love. And together, we watch in wonder at the creation of the Universe's bounty"
I am learning the power of not imposing. I am learning the power throwing everything to the moment. I understand that is what the concept of Prasadam means.
and gradually, in this path, I try and let the duality, my individuality melt away. Will I suceed ?
Well, isn't that question once again reaffirming my individuality though ? Who is that 'I' that wants to suceed.
Shekhar
A New Begining
July 23, 2005 | 08:01 AM
A New Begining
Suddenly I became aware of the power of communication through the net. Through a Blog with my best friend Deepak Chopra. Do visit us at Intentblog.com.
So, I am now re-developing my website.
Since my primary focus is as a story teller and communicator, I would like to share stories, ideas and films that I am dreaming about. Some of them will get made, and some will remain dreams. But then who said that dreams were not valid on their own ?
And then ask people with courage to share their ideas and dreams. Why courage? Because it takes courage to know that our sense of individuality is a false manifestation of our ego. We are merely conduits of creativity that originate somewhere in the universe.
Gradually I would like to develop this site into sharing audio visuals with each other too.
Depending upon what you may be interested in, would you please click on any of the categories on the right. But be patient, I am coming to terms with this technology gradually.
Shekhar Kapur
A New Begining
Suddenly I became aware of the power of communication through the net. Through a Blog with my best friend Deepak Chopra. Do visit us at Intentblog.com.
So, I am now re-developing my website.
Since my primary focus is as a story teller and communicator, I would like to share stories, ideas and films that I am dreaming about. Some of them will get made, and some will remain dreams. But then who said that dreams were not valid on their own ?
And then ask people with courage to share their ideas and dreams. Why courage? Because it takes courage to know that our sense of individuality is a false manifestation of our ego. We are merely conduits of creativity that originate somewhere in the universe.
Gradually I would like to develop this site into sharing audio visuals with each other too.
Depending upon what you may be interested in, would you please click on any of the categories on the right. But be patient, I am coming to terms with this technology gradually.
Shekhar Kapur
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